With my growing (almost 30 weeks pregnant) baby belly I have to say that the excitement is growing even as fast, if not faster. I definitely realize that I have experienced my first pregnancy 2 years ago a lot more intense, not because it was deeper by the feeling, more because I did not have a little one running around in the house like (literally) a crazy person all the time to keep me busy but more of all distracted from anything pregnancy-wise all the time. Smilla and me made it that far that my granny is literally arguing with me because she insist on me not to carry la petite mademoiselle around all the time. Haha very well to say that, as most of you women out there with more than one child will agree on. You know she is not THAT heavy yet, basically 10 kilos. It's like you went crazy on summer sale and have to carry home half a Massimo Dutti store. Kind of. The only difference is that you can choose not to buy as much stuff. I can't just leave Smilla standing somewhere because she weights 10 kilos just because I am almost 7 months pregnant - can I ? See. Don't really know why granny doesn't see it like that but being older than 90 years put her into the position where I kind of have to agree to whatever she says anyways.
What I do realize, too is: once we actually focus (and really focus) on that belly, on that little growing miracle in there, Smilla is just the sweetest kid ever. Sometimes I wonder if this will stay the same once she realizes what it means that mummy has a baby in there (so does Smilla - certainly).
And the thing I wonder most about recently is something I almost am too scared to dare to say: is it even possible to (again, for a second time) love anyone as much as I love Smilla? And by the second my fingers are typing these words into my keyboard I feel weird immediately. I even feel kind of guilty for even saying this out loud.
Of course I will. Of course it will all be equal. Feelings, Time being spend… That is what I am telling myself right now. This is exactly how it's going to be.
And how is it even possible to imagine being loved and to love that deep, intense and absolute over and over again? I guess the rising number of those little vitality atomizers makes the impossible possible ...that yes: we can love this unconditionally over and over again. And it probably has a deeper reason that we are able to love and feel this way about our own kids, no matter how many we have, but not about more than one guy that you truly lost your heart to. I can say, little S in there, that I already love you as much as no words can ever describe. And you know what's even better? Besides mummy and daddy feeling that way, you have a big sister waiting here impatiently for you to arrive and to love you just as much if not more. So I speak for all three members of our little family if I say: we simply can't wait for you to be with us.
Underwear by Aubade
Pictures by Peter Häfele ° Team BW